Now that I am retired from the music business. Well, not completely retired so let me be a little more clear. I am retired as a performer, I do still write and record. Anyways, not performing has been a big change in the way I live my life. For example, not running around the country, or being cramped on either a plane or a car or a van. Of course, I certainly don't miss the highs and lows of being in "show biz". The extremes that come from playing in front of 20,000 people only to get off the stage to find a band member is stabbing you in the back. (It's usually the very band member that you have gone out of your way to help more than the others). Let's not forget the almost obsessive energy I used to pursue my career, whatever phase of it. No one made me do these things, they were of my choosing. I was not a victim but a willing participant.
As I reflect back I wonder, why did I bother? What was it all about? I mean it is only music, right? I wasn't saving any ones life and in the scheme of things, how fricking important was I and what I was doing? Was it worth all of the fights and enemies. Was it worth having my heart broken a multitude of times? Was it worth the lost relationships?
But recently, it has dawned on me how important it actually was. Because most of the time, it just wasn't about me. It was about the integrity of the artistic project. Once I got it in my head about what I wanted to do, I began molding the creative putty, while the next step would be revealed to me. When you get in a zone like that, it really is coming from somewhere above your hair. You become a very small part of it, even though you are the vision keeper. As the "creator" of the project, or maybe "conduit" is a better word, you are less and less important. Actually, people used to often tell me that I didn't give myself enough credit. But I always understood, that I was just a cog in the wheel. Well, maybe not the cog, I should give myself a little more credit than that. I was the hub of the wheel.
What is important about a creative journey is that it changes you and everyone around you. It is supposed to teach us that we are here to serve the vision. Now, this does not happen to everyone and it happens least with musicians than any other artist types for reasons I won't go into here. So therein lies the struggle. Some of the people involved totally get that it is about the art and others don't have a clue.
Almost out of the gate, back when I was 18, I began to have strong ideas about sounds, concepts, people I wanted to work with, direction to go in - you name it. This could be looked at as a gift or a curse. If you are the one in charge, you are the one making the decisions. Right off the bat you will not be the most popular egg in the carton.
After many years of being in the music business, I took a break and began taking acting lessons. In one of my acting classes, I believe it was some sort of monologue workshop intensive (I always respond well to the word intensive), my instructor said something to me that put me in a context that I never included myself. She said, “You know, Kate, you are a vision keeper. You have vision and very few people have that. Embrace it and don’t apologize for it”. At the time I loved how it sounded, but it took 10 years, maybe more, for me to truly understand what it takes to embrace this important piece of my personality, soul and artistic psyche. Along with that was my responsibility to others in the wake of these pursuits.
The hard part or practice if you will, of being the vision-keeper is that your job is to protect the vision with compassion. But compassion or not, it is almost impossible not to make enemies. Hell, Gandhi, was one of the great visionaries as was Martin Luther King, oh, and don’t forget Jesus – they all had tremendous compassion/love and all had their enemies. Of course, I am not in that league, but protecting a vision, is protecting a vision, no matter how small. Frankly, when it comes to the artistic pursuit, I think it is incredibly important to protect your vision with integrity and soul. So it seems almost impossible to do this successfully and be everyone’s friend while being a vision keeper.
I teach the CEO of the Tiger's daughter. When this guy makes a decision, the entire world knows it. Every player he trades, fires, hires, all of his decisions, they all end up on the radio, TV, Internet and the newspapers. He is thought of as one of the best at what he does and yet he gets hate mail on a daily basis. Again, no matter how wonderful you are at your job and willing to keep and protect your vision, you are going to make enemies. - lots of them. It comes with the territory because most people do not hold the integrity of the vision. And why should they? It is yours - all of your lonesome self. That and a fact I realized almost from the beginning - there are three types of people; 1. The complainers/detractors. 2. The fence sitters 3. The active participants. Often, I would think, okay, which one are you going to be?
I can’t control the past and how I lived it, I am an artist through and through and proud of it. In the present however, what I have been able to change, is to meet these opponents with a less fear-filled heart and not let the trivial spats get in the way of a much needed and difficult loving individual transformation of the self and therefore the vision. And besides all of that, because I did take responsibility, I was the one that benefited from the rewards the most. That was the payoff, the paycheck, the rocket on my back, the big hurrah.
While we continue to pursue our dreams, vision keepers to followers to cynics to detractors, all anyone of us wants is respect. No one is any different from anyone else. Ultimately, we need to love each other, look into each other’s eyes, recognizing ourselves, sensing each other’s fears, and struggles. Like the Beatles said, "I am you and you are me and we are all together".
Has it been worth it? You bet.
No comments:
Post a Comment